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August 25, 2015 / bloggenstatt

Dope or Nope for the week of Aug. 24

I am in the midst of a cross-countyry move. I am leaving behind the cotton fields of rural South Carolina for the sprawling corn fields and wind farms of a slightly less agrarian portion of Illinois.

With life-altering matters hanging in the air, it’s the perfect time to air some of my opinions about pop music.

This week, I am weighing in on Spotify’s United States Top 50 chart. Of course, because this is a pop chart, and people apparently have an unlimited threshold for schlock, the first four songs have already been dissected in previous posts, so I’ll be coming in at No. 5.

5. “Hotline Bling” by Drake

Oh cool, Aubrey Graham recorded a reggae-tinged track about how he should still control the actions of his ex. Misogyny should always be blanketed in navel-gazing wistfulness and Caribbean flair. Great progressive stance, Drizzy.

As it is with every Drake song, NOPE

Somehow, I have already written about songs six, seven, eight, nine, 10 and 11, 13 and 14. There really is no turnover in modern music charts, so the next entries are going to be jumping all over the number line.

12. “Locked Away” by R. City, Adam Levine

Before pressing play, I am already unbelievably eager to hear the next song I’ll catch myself humming along to, while I shop in the home decor section of Target. I will surely be filled with such self-loathing, I’ll settle for a ridiculously low thread count, because it’s all I deserve.

Upon listening to this song, I think I’ve written about why it’s an abomination before. THERE IS NO TURNOVER TO MODERN POP CHARTS.

Nope…again

15. “All Eyes on You (Feat. Chris Brown)” by Nikki Minaj, Meek Mill

While I undoubtedly side with Meek Mill in his beef with Drake, I’m not totally sure how Meek Mill can rail against Graham, when his song borrows a few bars from Notorious B.I.G.’s “Spit Your Game”. Anyway, Chris Brown contributions aside, this song is mostly inoffensive. There is a preemptive dread that in a few years this will be the aural equivalent of an elaborate tattoo of an ex’s name.

Kind of Dope

16. “Again” by Fetty Wap

This song is perfectly named. Fetty Wap, again?

NOPE

17 “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran

I hope a 12-year-old girl is pouring untold emotion into a journal entry, as “Photograph” mournfully plays over her tinny iHome speakers. Don’t cry, little tween, just keep writing. Someday Tyler and Dakotah will realize what a special person you are. However, this song will never be good.

Nope

I perused the list to see if there is anything charting I can heartily endorse, because I’m an optimist. Because the real world is no place for optimism, all 50 songs range from adequate to unlistenable. I’m sorry.

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